I saw you today after a long time,
Thought of going over to you
Of making good old memories revive
But stayed back, fearing to face a familiar indifference
Yeah, maybe it wouldn't have been as bad
But then this "maybe" is necessary for me to survive
PS: too many words in the second paragraph .. someone has suggestion on how to shorten it and make it more rhythmic?
It's pretty good as it is...more rhyme than I can manage...revive and survive give it a sort of subtle rhyme..and then the alliteration! I love alliterations..
ReplyDeleteAnother way to structure it could be..
I saw you today after a long time,
Thought of going over to you
Of making good old memories revive
But stayed back,
Fearing to face a familiar indifference
Yeah, maybe it wouldn't have been as bad
But then this "maybe" is necessary for me to survive
Just a little playing around with your poem!
You are too good!!!
ReplyDeleteNo change of words, and yet it sounds so so much better!!!
How about this...
ReplyDeleteI saw you today after a long time,
Thought of going over to you
Of making good old memories revive
But stayed back, fearing a familiar indifference,
Yeah, maybe it wouldn't have been as bad
But then this "maybe" is essential,
For me to survive.
Sarvesh
Do you think it is a good idea to break the last sentence?
ReplyDeleteI thought breaking the sentence puts more stress on the survival part, as well as since you are pausing at essential, stress there too.
ReplyDeleteI saw you today after a long time,
ReplyDeleteThought of going over to you
Of making good old memories revive
But stayed back,
Afraid to face a familiar indifference
True, Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad,
But then this "maybe" is essential,
For me to survive.